My eyeglasses have lenses that get darker when I am outside, and lighten when I come inside. The transition takes a few minutes to change, and sometimes I have to take my glasses off to get used to the light on the inside.
Life goes in a line, but it’s not always a straight line. Sometimes it curls back, and you end up covering ground you have already seen, but it’s different. You’ve changed. Things have changed. People disappear, people that you have seen every day for years. Gone. You are a different person, an outsider, superfluous. The line goes one way, your line goes another way. You are the same person, but different. Not one of “us,” one of “them.”
You are sad. You belonged, you had worth, now you are worth-less. It makes me feel sad. It makes me feel angry. I spend too much time in my head, feeling hopeless, bereft of place, unsure of where the line is taking me.
Your co-workers are not family. You can grow close to them, out of familiarity, but when you are banished, your connection is severed, and the utility of the relationship is undone. It’s all situational. When the situation changes, life changes. Your viewpoint changes. It’s natural. And when you are disgraced, and shamed, things are suddenly spun in a different direction, and the lines lose sight of each other.
Your point of view has changed. It’s a surprise to find out how quickly things change, how habits you thought were ingrained permanently turn out to be fleeting memories. It’s shocking to realize how little you miss these things. But your dreams tell you something else. It’s a disruption there, and you revisit the scene of your crime over and over. You begin to doubt that you will get untangled any time soon.
And the anxiety comes and goes. You can’t predict when it will arrive, and how long it will stay, so you just have to keep moving. Doing that one thing at a time. Putting your feet on the ground. Better still, put your hands on the ground, put your fingers into the ground, remind yourself how far you traveled to get to this spot, this moment, this second. Realize that it’s perfectly fine to be alone, in the moment, where your feet are.
But you are not alone. There are friends everywhere. Everyone you have met has left an impression on your soul. You are a part of the earth that you live on. You are perfectly suited to this time, and this place. You are not made for war. You yearn to tread lightly on the earth, but sometimes you raise your voice. You drive your car. Your aggression days are over. But the anger smolders inside. Mostly inward. How to deal with it. How am I going to get over it.
This will do it. Control what you can control. Digging. Planting. Being down on your hands and knees, close to the earth. Grounded. I’m no farmer. I have no illusions about any green digits, it’s just that I want to do something real, and not think about money. Grinding. Side hustles. So, I will take shovels full of this, and put it there. Shovels full of that, and put them here. Repeat.
It will all work out in the end.
I’m reminded that we worked together in ‘94 (how is that 31 years ago?!?), but the eL Dopamine family is the real connection. I’m so grateful for it, we’re family. Always.
It’s the same way in the restaurant and bar biz, most forget your name before the last paycheck even clears, but some stay in your life…cherish those, the others, fuck’em 🤷🏻♂️