I’m suddenly from another time, and the world has passed me by. It happened so suddenly. One minute the dominant paradigm included me, the next minute it didn’t. Of course, it wasn’t nearly that fast. It had been coming on for years. I imagined I had a very good life, and I do, but it didn’t correspond to what was actually happening. My life didn’t match the picture in my head, and now I have to figure out where the story is really going.
Now I just can't identify/With this world so I don't try/Square pegs don't fit in round holes/And I can't fit into these clothes
"Mystery Plane". Rorschach/Interior Cramps-“Songs The Lord Taught Us”
You can call yourself whatever you want to, create your own reality. Just like the empire. Truth is a worn out concept, who knows what anything really means anymore. No one agrees. And, words hurt. The zone is flooded with information which seems true, and is contradicted by the facts, and the facts are contradicted by your feelings. The truth is what I say it is. Can you believe your eyes or ears? Everyone sees differently. I could have been clearer.
My room is cluttered and chaotic. It’s not what I want. I have decisions to make. A story to tell. The notebooks and books and records are there, now I have to organize them in a way that makes sense. So I can make no sense. I have to spend some time in retreat. The story is not what I thought it was, so I have to dig deeper, dig harder, be more honest. I don’t know what it will cost. All I know is that I have a ways to go.
I’m not worried, well, maybe a little. I’m still alive, but I realize this world has passed by me. I got off the bus and now I’m walking. It suits me. My time is mine again. Where will I go? What will I do? Who am I anymore? I exist, therefore it’s my task to figure out the path I want to take. I don’t have to do anything. I don’t have to do everything. It’s a shock to be liberated suddenly. A cold plunge into reality. I’m still dazed, and cycling through the stages, but I’m being gentle with myself. Reflecting rather than self recriminating. Owning my role in the story. It was my mistake. It’s mine.
It all happens because of the choices you make, the world you grew up in, limitations you have, the people you allow to be close, and you still make mistakes. You hurt people. You hurt yourself. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are an axle. You are a spoke.
The world is a gift. It’s indifferent to us organisms, moving around her belly. We should be grateful for her, tread lightly and respectfully. I thought I was. I obviously have far to go. And much to learn. About everything.
19 Before you speak, learn; and before you fall ill, take care of your health.
20 Before judgment comes, examine yourself; and at the time of scrutiny you will find forgiveness. -Sirach 18 NSRV
Thank you. ❤️